I stink today. At least I think I do. No one else has said anything but........
I don't usually wear perfume. I don't know why, It's just not something I do. Today for some reason I did. I have 2 bottles of this perfume I like...liked. past tense. I don't know if it has always smelled this bad/strong and I just couldn't smell it (I have gotten compliments on it tho) OR if my skin itself smells different now and this perfume is just no longer working for me.
Either way, it's time to find a new scent.
This one's giving me a headache.
Oh GAWD. Have I been "that girl" and didn't know it? The one that is decribed by everyone as "You know that girl.......... the one with all the perfume?"
*shudder*
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
36-41: The Funeral
Thank you all for being here today.
Today we are gathered to pay our last respects to Hope's best friend of 17 years- nicotine. We'll let her start with the eulogy and anyone else that would like to say goodbye, feel free to do so in the comment area.
"You were my longest running friendship. You were there for me always. Through every happy moment and especially the bad ones. I could always count on you, and you motivated me like nothing else ever has or, I believe, ever will. I truly loved you. Who else would I go to the store for in the pouring rain, or worse, in a blizzard? Who else would I get out of bed to spend time with when I was sick? After my miscarriage you were the only one I would see. Anytime I felt depressed or cried I turned to you first.
And through it all I knew you would never let me down.
But then, somehow, you did. Somehow having you as my best friend turned me into a social pariah. Turns out you were a bad influence and if I wanted to hang out with you I had to go outside. Everywhere. No one wanted you in their house, or car, or store, or restaurant and definitely not in their workplace. But stubbornly I stuck with you.
Then one day as I went on the porch to spend some time with you, Xander looked right at me and said "momma, you're a drugger. Cigarettes are drugs and you're gonna die because drugs kill you". And he was right, and so I had to make a choice. A choice that was way harder than it should have been because really there's no question that I loved you but I love my son more than you. Sorry that's just how it is.
Besides everybody know drugs are bad mmmmkay. Even my 4 year old knows drugs are bad. Mmmmkay?
Poor poor nicotine. It's true what they say, drugs will kill ya in the end. So, sorry about that whole chantix thing but I had to get rid of ya somehow.
I miss you, and I think about you almost everyday still, but you are dead and gone, and now I am moving on.
Today we are gathered to pay our last respects to Hope's best friend of 17 years- nicotine. We'll let her start with the eulogy and anyone else that would like to say goodbye, feel free to do so in the comment area.
"You were my longest running friendship. You were there for me always. Through every happy moment and especially the bad ones. I could always count on you, and you motivated me like nothing else ever has or, I believe, ever will. I truly loved you. Who else would I go to the store for in the pouring rain, or worse, in a blizzard? Who else would I get out of bed to spend time with when I was sick? After my miscarriage you were the only one I would see. Anytime I felt depressed or cried I turned to you first.
And through it all I knew you would never let me down.
But then, somehow, you did. Somehow having you as my best friend turned me into a social pariah. Turns out you were a bad influence and if I wanted to hang out with you I had to go outside. Everywhere. No one wanted you in their house, or car, or store, or restaurant and definitely not in their workplace. But stubbornly I stuck with you.
Then one day as I went on the porch to spend some time with you, Xander looked right at me and said "momma, you're a drugger. Cigarettes are drugs and you're gonna die because drugs kill you". And he was right, and so I had to make a choice. A choice that was way harder than it should have been because really there's no question that I loved you but I love my son more than you. Sorry that's just how it is.
Besides everybody know drugs are bad mmmmkay. Even my 4 year old knows drugs are bad. Mmmmkay?
Poor poor nicotine. It's true what they say, drugs will kill ya in the end. So, sorry about that whole chantix thing but I had to get rid of ya somehow.
I miss you, and I think about you almost everyday still, but you are dead and gone, and now I am moving on.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
No smoking days 34 & 35
Alternatively titled: Dear God, Can I please get some sleep?
Today is day 6 off of the chantix.
I'm still waking up continuously throughout the night but besides that problem I'm not experiencing any of the horrible side effects that some people have had coming off of the medicine with out weaning or tapering down.
Today is day 6 off of the chantix.
I'm still waking up continuously throughout the night but besides that problem I'm not experiencing any of the horrible side effects that some people have had coming off of the medicine with out weaning or tapering down.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Day 33. still not smoking
Well, I decided to try it on my own but I will be keeping a pack of chantix on hand in case I feel the need to go back on it. I'd rather be back on it than back smoking.
I have the almost full pack that I'm keeping for emergencies, and 3 other full packs. I think I am going to give them to my MIL to use since she has been toying with the idea of trying chantix. It's already paid for, she might as well get some use out of it.
On another note, I am having some insomnia which is kind of funny since that is a side effect of chantix that I never really had. As a matter of fact if I took my pill early enough I usually got the best sleep of my life. The last 2 nights I have been awake at least once for every hour of the night. I hope this goes away quickly.
I have the almost full pack that I'm keeping for emergencies, and 3 other full packs. I think I am going to give them to my MIL to use since she has been toying with the idea of trying chantix. It's already paid for, she might as well get some use out of it.
On another note, I am having some insomnia which is kind of funny since that is a side effect of chantix that I never really had. As a matter of fact if I took my pill early enough I usually got the best sleep of my life. The last 2 nights I have been awake at least once for every hour of the night. I hope this goes away quickly.
Monday, September 17, 2007
No smoking days 30, 31, & 32
Let me start off by saying- It's been a month. I can hardly believe it but I quit smoking over a month ago. Yay me.
Friday my son spent the night at my in-law's house so Saturday morning I didn't roll out of bed until 11:00. Since I usually take 1/2 a pill at 8am and the other 1/2 around 3 or 4, I figured I would just wait and take a whole one around 2ish. Well I ended up forgetting so no pill on Saturday.
On Sunday we spent most of the day helping a friend move. Again I forgot to take my pill.
2 days with no chantix, and no additional cravings or anything. As a matter of fact I feel pretty good. i haven't taken this morning's dose yet and I'm debating with myself if I want to take it or just be done with the medicine. I haven't decided yet so I'll let ya know tomorrow .
oooh, a cliff hanger. Will she or won't she.
Friday my son spent the night at my in-law's house so Saturday morning I didn't roll out of bed until 11:00. Since I usually take 1/2 a pill at 8am and the other 1/2 around 3 or 4, I figured I would just wait and take a whole one around 2ish. Well I ended up forgetting so no pill on Saturday.
On Sunday we spent most of the day helping a friend move. Again I forgot to take my pill.
2 days with no chantix, and no additional cravings or anything. As a matter of fact I feel pretty good. i haven't taken this morning's dose yet and I'm debating with myself if I want to take it or just be done with the medicine. I haven't decided yet so I'll let ya know tomorrow .
oooh, a cliff hanger. Will she or won't she.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Day 29 of no smoking
I am so tired today. I don't know why but I had a thought earlier and i hope I am wrong.
I felt this drag ass tired everyday on the chantix until the dose increased to 2mg a day. I don't know why a lower dose would make me more tired than a higher one, and really that whole concept just doesn't make any sense to me, so what's more likely is that I'm just plain old tired today. Just because. It happens every now and then, ya know?
I guess all I can do is wait for the next couple of days to see how it plays out.
I felt this drag ass tired everyday on the chantix until the dose increased to 2mg a day. I don't know why a lower dose would make me more tired than a higher one, and really that whole concept just doesn't make any sense to me, so what's more likely is that I'm just plain old tired today. Just because. It happens every now and then, ya know?
I guess all I can do is wait for the next couple of days to see how it plays out.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
No smoking day 28
My smoking urges have been increasing. It's quite possibly from reducing my chantix. It's also possible that I just haven't "let go" of the smoking yet.
It has to be all in my head now because after 4 weeks of no smoking there is no nicotine left in my system. My body shouldn't still be craving it. So I'm thinking that the second choice is more likely but I'm not really understanding why. I shouldn't have any problem letting that part of my life go.
I quit smoking once before for about 3 months and I think the hardest thing about quiting then was not the actual quit, it was trying to imagine my life as a non-smoker. I'm a shy kind of person (unless I know you- then all bets are off) and having a cigarette, especially in a social situation, was my "shield", If I got uncomfortable it was something for me to focus on, it was something to help take the stress out of the situation ,and I remember being terrified because- what would I do at parties, bars, get togethers, etc. without my trusty "friend"? I have smoked since I was 13. I had never had to deal with adult interaction without the help of a cigarette. I was scared I wouldn't know how.
Learning to be a non-smoker was a little rough on me but I made it through. I wish I hadn't gone back to smoking but at least now I know. Looking back I can remember. I know it feels good. I know I liked being able to smell better, having my clothes and hair smell better, tasting what food is really supposed to taste like.
So I just can't understand why my brain continues to want the cigarettes when I know how happy I will be as a non-smoker once I accept it.
It has to be all in my head now because after 4 weeks of no smoking there is no nicotine left in my system. My body shouldn't still be craving it. So I'm thinking that the second choice is more likely but I'm not really understanding why. I shouldn't have any problem letting that part of my life go.
I quit smoking once before for about 3 months and I think the hardest thing about quiting then was not the actual quit, it was trying to imagine my life as a non-smoker. I'm a shy kind of person (unless I know you- then all bets are off) and having a cigarette, especially in a social situation, was my "shield", If I got uncomfortable it was something for me to focus on, it was something to help take the stress out of the situation ,and I remember being terrified because- what would I do at parties, bars, get togethers, etc. without my trusty "friend"? I have smoked since I was 13. I had never had to deal with adult interaction without the help of a cigarette. I was scared I wouldn't know how.
Learning to be a non-smoker was a little rough on me but I made it through. I wish I hadn't gone back to smoking but at least now I know. Looking back I can remember. I know it feels good. I know I liked being able to smell better, having my clothes and hair smell better, tasting what food is really supposed to taste like.
So I just can't understand why my brain continues to want the cigarettes when I know how happy I will be as a non-smoker once I accept it.
Day 27 of no smoking
I had a DR. appt. today. We talked about the chantix and my plan with it. He basically told me as long as it was working I could modify the dosage to whatever I felt comfortable with. I have a feeling that by next year or so chantix is not going to be a one dose fits all kind of drug. I'm thinking there will be different strength prescriptions and possibly a "wean pack" similar to the starter one.
I met up with my girls at my friend Gina's house last night for coffee and chit chat. Gina is the only friend I have that still smokes (It seems really odd to type that), and it's hard to be around her because the smoking urge jumps by about 50%. Not because of the smoking- I was around my dad all last week and was fine- it's because I know she will give me one if I ask. So it's the temptation and the little voice in my head that says "Look! You can have a cigarette. You know she'll give you one". Nice friend, right?
Anyway, I resisted the urges but I did find myself blankly staring at her cigarette pack a couple times. I was just zoning out on it like I was hypnotized. I can't wait until the time comes when I find smoking disgusting and not something I still want so bad so much of the time.
I met up with my girls at my friend Gina's house last night for coffee and chit chat. Gina is the only friend I have that still smokes (It seems really odd to type that), and it's hard to be around her because the smoking urge jumps by about 50%. Not because of the smoking- I was around my dad all last week and was fine- it's because I know she will give me one if I ask. So it's the temptation and the little voice in my head that says "Look! You can have a cigarette. You know she'll give you one". Nice friend, right?
Anyway, I resisted the urges but I did find myself blankly staring at her cigarette pack a couple times. I was just zoning out on it like I was hypnotized. I can't wait until the time comes when I find smoking disgusting and not something I still want so bad so much of the time.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
No smoking day 26
I've been spending a lot of work "down time" on a topix message board about chantix. You can get a lot of good information there especially since a couple of the "old timers" were part of the first group of people to take chantix. Everything is discussed there, from side effects to weaning/quiting. Some of the people don't quite get along, but that's ok because it's entertaining to read. Plus they will stop bitching at each other as soon as someone needs some chantix info or needs help through a crave.
Anyway the site is here. That takes you to the general forum and then there are a couple of different chantix threads you can click on. The "chantix- September 2007- part 1" is the current general thread, there is also "chantix- problems after quiting or weaning- part 3", if you've already stopped taking chantix or are getting ready to and have any questions it's a good place to check out.
Okay, yesterday was decision time. After reading about a lot of people's quit, on the previously mentioned link, I decided to renew my prescription for another month of chantix. I didn't really do any kind of wean and I don't think coming right off of it is such a great idea. And to be totally honest, as much as I would like to do this on my own I think if I stop taking the chantix right now I would end up smoking again. But! I am not happy with the side effects. They seem to be happening to me more and more lately. The blah days are happening way more frequently and I am having a lot of trouble sleeping through the night.
So I plan on cutting down to .5mg twice a day for 4 weeks, then .5mg once a day for 3 weeks, then .25mg for 1 week.
Basically I'm going for an 8 week wean (sheesh). But the way I've broken it up only uses 3 of the 4 week supply, that way I will still have some pills and I can ramp back up if I start having problems (hopefully not) at any of the lower doses. It also gives me 2 more months to be sure I am 100% ready to do this on my own.
Anyway the site is here. That takes you to the general forum and then there are a couple of different chantix threads you can click on. The "chantix- September 2007- part 1" is the current general thread, there is also "chantix- problems after quiting or weaning- part 3", if you've already stopped taking chantix or are getting ready to and have any questions it's a good place to check out.
Okay, yesterday was decision time. After reading about a lot of people's quit, on the previously mentioned link, I decided to renew my prescription for another month of chantix. I didn't really do any kind of wean and I don't think coming right off of it is such a great idea. And to be totally honest, as much as I would like to do this on my own I think if I stop taking the chantix right now I would end up smoking again. But! I am not happy with the side effects. They seem to be happening to me more and more lately. The blah days are happening way more frequently and I am having a lot of trouble sleeping through the night.
So I plan on cutting down to .5mg twice a day for 4 weeks, then .5mg once a day for 3 weeks, then .25mg for 1 week.
Basically I'm going for an 8 week wean (sheesh). But the way I've broken it up only uses 3 of the 4 week supply, that way I will still have some pills and I can ramp back up if I start having problems (hopefully not) at any of the lower doses. It also gives me 2 more months to be sure I am 100% ready to do this on my own.
Monday, September 10, 2007
The big catch up!
Oy! Where the hell was I?
Sorry about that. I was on "vacation" helping my dad out after his back surgery ad now I'm even further behind.
I wanted to catch up a couple days at a time so new quitters would have a kind of daily-ish reference but I feel like I'm too far behind now. So I am going to catch everything up in this last "catch up" post and starting tomorrow I will be in real time posting.
The highlights for no smoking days 10-25:
(today is day 32 of chantix but I probably will start keeping weekly instead of daily track of that- currently in week 5)
Ok in the last 15 days I have taken 2 puffs off of a friend's cigarette(again). I was drinking and having cravings, decided to give in- just to "prove to myself it's still nasty". It was. Note to self: maybe no more drinking until you've been quit longer.
I'm still having some blah days every now and then.
I've gained 3 &1/2 lbs.
I've started back at the gym. (after initially being too tired to bother)
I've found out that not only do I feel better after a workout, I have less craves on those days.
I've been taking my a.m. pill around 8 and the p.m. pill around 3/4. I've noticed that if I forget my pm pill, I start getting cravings around 7/8ish. If I take my pill that late I have some trouble sleeping. So if I forget my afternoon pill I just skip it till the next morning. I've noticed that besides a few cravings I don't miss the pm pill if I forget it.
I'm thinking about only taking 1 pill a day. 1/2 a pill at my usual times.
I did that this morning and so far I haven't had anymore cravings on 1/2 pill than I have on a whole one.
I spent a week at my dad's house without smoking, even though he smokes like a chimney. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be- but it was still hard. I thought about smoking many times. I'm glad I didn't.
Also- my clothes smelled really bad. even though I washed them before I came home, I had to wash them again.
I'm glad I don't smell like an ashtray anymore.
I'm not a good flyer (not good is a way under-exaggeration. think valium). I think getting to and from my dad's house was te most stress I've had to deal with since I quit smoking.
On my way home my connecting flight was changed adding another 2 hours to my layover. I was pissed because they never informed me when I picked up my tickets that there was a change. I was really pissed because I had taken a xanax expecting to be on a plane when it kicked in and I passed out. Thankfully I did not pass out. I was very stressed though.
I asked the ticket guy if he knew of anywhere I could buy some cigarettes. He didn't. That pissed me off more.
I realized that I was thinking about and planning my xanax consumption so much that i had forgotten to take my chantix. A little while later I was ok again.
That's about it folks. The summation of the last 2 weeks.
As for today, I have 1 pill left in this pack. I need to either call in the refill or decide to suck it up and just be quit on my own.
Sometimes I feel like I don't own this quit because I'm taking the chantix- therefore were I not taking it I might not be quit. Yes I know, that's crazy talk, but sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't feel better about myself if I could be quit without the chantix crutch.
I let you know what I decided to do tomorrow.
Sorry about that. I was on "vacation" helping my dad out after his back surgery ad now I'm even further behind.
I wanted to catch up a couple days at a time so new quitters would have a kind of daily-ish reference but I feel like I'm too far behind now. So I am going to catch everything up in this last "catch up" post and starting tomorrow I will be in real time posting.
The highlights for no smoking days 10-25:
(today is day 32 of chantix but I probably will start keeping weekly instead of daily track of that- currently in week 5)
Ok in the last 15 days I have taken 2 puffs off of a friend's cigarette(again). I was drinking and having cravings, decided to give in- just to "prove to myself it's still nasty". It was. Note to self: maybe no more drinking until you've been quit longer.
I'm still having some blah days every now and then.
I've gained 3 &1/2 lbs.
I've started back at the gym. (after initially being too tired to bother)
I've found out that not only do I feel better after a workout, I have less craves on those days.
I've been taking my a.m. pill around 8 and the p.m. pill around 3/4. I've noticed that if I forget my pm pill, I start getting cravings around 7/8ish. If I take my pill that late I have some trouble sleeping. So if I forget my afternoon pill I just skip it till the next morning. I've noticed that besides a few cravings I don't miss the pm pill if I forget it.
I'm thinking about only taking 1 pill a day. 1/2 a pill at my usual times.
I did that this morning and so far I haven't had anymore cravings on 1/2 pill than I have on a whole one.
I spent a week at my dad's house without smoking, even though he smokes like a chimney. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be- but it was still hard. I thought about smoking many times. I'm glad I didn't.
Also- my clothes smelled really bad. even though I washed them before I came home, I had to wash them again.
I'm glad I don't smell like an ashtray anymore.
I'm not a good flyer (not good is a way under-exaggeration. think valium). I think getting to and from my dad's house was te most stress I've had to deal with since I quit smoking.
On my way home my connecting flight was changed adding another 2 hours to my layover. I was pissed because they never informed me when I picked up my tickets that there was a change. I was really pissed because I had taken a xanax expecting to be on a plane when it kicked in and I passed out. Thankfully I did not pass out. I was very stressed though.
I asked the ticket guy if he knew of anywhere I could buy some cigarettes. He didn't. That pissed me off more.
I realized that I was thinking about and planning my xanax consumption so much that i had forgotten to take my chantix. A little while later I was ok again.
That's about it folks. The summation of the last 2 weeks.
As for today, I have 1 pill left in this pack. I need to either call in the refill or decide to suck it up and just be quit on my own.
Sometimes I feel like I don't own this quit because I'm taking the chantix- therefore were I not taking it I might not be quit. Yes I know, that's crazy talk, but sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't feel better about myself if I could be quit without the chantix crutch.
I let you know what I decided to do tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)